Grow.

I had a hard day today. Sometimes I get extremely jealous that Kyle is still in school. I loved school, I loved learning and going to class and although I was glad to be done, I miss my english lit and women studies discussions. They made me think and expand my mind. What I really loved though, was the growth. It was so tangible with those online report cards and dean’s list acknowledgments. To me they were a reminder that I was growing.

After finishing school I got a job as a nanny and it was new and exciting dealing with an opinionated toddler. I got pregnant, had a miscarriage, and then got pregnant again. This all involved, you guessed it, a lot of growth. Emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Being pregnant with Max was exhilarating. Often I would read through the ginormous pregnancy book I was given, just to try to understand what my body was doing. I thoroughly enjoyed the visual growth as my stomach swelled and my skin cracked to reveal stretch marks.

Having Max was wonderful and I quickly set out to take care of him as best I could. I got used to waking up multiple times in the night, making baby purees, and learning how best to wash a cloth diaper. On top of all that Kyle started going back to school and we finally had our own home again so I set out to try to make that home a haven. Keep it clean, make delicious food, and oh I wore myself out trying to keep up with it all.

I felt like I wasn’t growing. I felt like I had hit my peak in college and being pregnant. I was wallowing on the couch thinking about how I wished I could do something where I could really see growth, Kyle put Max down for a nap not wanting to bother the festering mother on the couch. Max cried and I knew he wanted food, he wanted me. So I lugged myself off the couch and wandered into his room. To my amazement my baby was standing up in his playpen. He has been pulling himself up gradually this past week and as I picked him up I marvelled at how fast a baby grows.

Wasn’t this the baby that was just barely big enough to fill my arms? Wasn’t this the baby that I just saw his first smile? Gave him his first bit of solid food? Didn’t he just start crawling? Tears sprang forth from my eyes, how fast he grows! I was jealous. I was jealous of my baby.

“Even he gets to grow…”I silently professed to my Father in Heaven. “It’s not fair, everyone around me is growing and learning and I’m just stuck.”

The spirit whispered into my heart,

You are not stuck. You are growing more than you even realize. You may not see it through grade reports or a swollen belly but your character is growing. As a mother and wife you are developing traits that are making you into the person Heavenly Father wants you to be. He’s sees the change, but traits are developed slowly and so they are hard for you to see. But trust. You are growing, more than you know.