We had to select an outfit for James to be buried in and while doing that I also wanted to find a stuffed animal for Max to pick out to be placed in his casket as well. I liked the thought that there was something in there with him, something soft and fluffy. We bought one and had Max give it endless kisses and hugs waiting for the day when we would no longer see the soft blue stuffed dog. Well the thought of parting with it got harder and harder and I decided to just buy another one. One for James and one for Max. So now one rests with James’ body and one rests with Max as he sleeps.
Max will give the dog kisses and hugs but mostly it’s for me. I stroke it and for a moment I feel a bit more connected to James.
His passing is like a fleeting dream. I have woken up in this alternate reality where we were waiting for a change to our normal only to be forced back into our old normal, but really it’s a new normal. Did that make any sense? It is thoughts like those that clog my mind all day long. My mind is congested with what if’s, mental images of those few days where I was living out a nightmare. It still feels unreal and my mind psychologically cannot wrap around the fact that there once was a baby inside me that died and I was a walking coffin. The thoughts horrify me and I try to fill my mind with light and laughter. I have stacks of books, books on losing a baby, on grieving, bestsellers that are easy to read, and a comedy book about parenting. I want to fill my mind with words that are not my own, words that bring insight, clarity, any ounce of understanding quenches my thirst for a moment.
I have found that when we grieve, when we have pain, when we are sad or angry or frustrated and we are grappling for understanding, Satan attempts to become a very present part of our life. He has tried to fill me with guilt towards myself, with envy at the happiness of others, with anger towards God but most especially he tries to bring doubt to my faith in Christ. To make me think that there is no hope, no joy to this world. He truly wants us to be miserable like himself and he is very good at creeping in and feeding your spirit lies about who you are, about who you can become.
I know that this will be hard for a very long time, I cannot deny any longer the very real pain that this encompasses but that does not mean that I need to suffer unnecessarily. My faith in Christ has carried me this far, His grace has wrapped around me and lifted me higher and in that height I get glimpses of God’s perspective. Those glimpses are enough, enough to push away the doubt and guilt and the anger and when those are removed, then I can be filled. Filled with His peace.
Your faith and courage and strength are such a great inspiration to me! <3
I'm glad you're not giving in to the hopelessness. I've felt utterly hopeless before and you're right to recognize it for what it is, as Satan. There is definitely reason to have hope, just like you say. I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this. You write about it all with such grace. Still praying for you. Praying that you have more moments filled with peace than not. Praying for James. Praying for Kyle and Max. Praying that all of you can feel connected to each other and to God. Sending all my love Gina!
PS Max is so adorable in these pictures. He's such a blend of the two of you. 🙂
Just like Jill I'm glad you are able to see Satan for who he is – that is HUGE when you are going through this! That alone will enable the healing to be complete. Your grace and eloquence are amazing and someday, when you are ready, you should write a book. Your experience and how you communicate would benefit many.
Love the blue dog!!
Been thinking a lot more this week myself of grief. Went up to see Elyse and was overcome with sadness and if only…. I was surprised by the depth of grief especially cause it was such a joyful time. I thought of the dark room Elder Uchtdorf talks about in the picture with the bit of light coming from the door. Sometimes it's as if you've been spun around in the room and it's difficult to find your way into back into the light. You know it's there but it's challenging to get your balance and find your way. I love what he said that we all have dark moments but we don't have to dwell there.
May you always find the light Gina.
One day the Lord will turn on the light and we will amazed at what a beautiful room it is!!
Love you.
Dear Sweet Gina,
You are right about Satan wanting to make you suffer. That doubt is completely from him. You are taking the steps which make sense to you, so they are exactly as they should be. You do encourage those you are around. You may not have all the answers as to why, and that is alright. Just find the peace and lean not on our human understanding. You may not find all the answers you seek while on this earth. Just believe that God is in control. Love your family and appreciate the support in friendships. They will remain a constant for you. Blessings to you in my love & friendship, always, Jeanie
Thank you for letting us share your experience. I know your goodness and perspective are affecting others who will reach out and give strength to their friends. Blessings to you and Kyle as you move forward.