I was talking to Kyle the other night about how it probably looks like I am doing well to everyone on the outside. If you look at me, I can laugh and smile and crack jokes of my own. I can sing hymns and I can search the scriptures for truth. I can do pretty much everything I could before, even with reminders of James everywhere I go.
I am able to stand firm and breath and then continue walking forward.
Except my brain is swirling debris of what once was. My brain is moving fast, fast, and faster. It is a continuous loop of the events surrounding this pivotal moment in my life. When I speak, it is in before James’ and after James.’ I am moving clumsily, zigzagging forward.
Within this tornado of my mind there are spiritual truths. I catch glimpses of them as Dorothy catches glimpses of a cow or a fence. They are discernible but exist in an entirely new perspective.
This new perspective if the aftermath of loss. Of sudden, shocking loss. The one you didn’t see coming and the events play over and over in your mind, looking for moments where it could have been different. Obviously I cannot change anything, but I have found this is a natural product of sudden loss. You try and try and try to understand WHY it happened. You read books, pamphlets, blogs, watch videos, grappling for something solid and firm to cling to so that this tornado will stop.
People often reiterate the Plan of Salvation to me, which in short terms is that before we came to earth we lived as pre-mortal spirits with Heavenly Father and earth is a testing period, a period where we experience mortality and all it has to offer and through this experience we learn and grow and because of the restored gospel, we have the opportunity to be sealed to our families forever. We sing the song, “Families Can Be Together Forever” reminding us of this precious truth. This doctrine has unmistakably brought a great deal of comfort but it has also brought questions. Because technically James never lived. He never breathed air. His heart never beat on its own. The doctrine is much more gray and muddled in this area and so it swirls about me, adding to the questions.
I know that Heavenly Father is good and that all will be worked out within His goodness, love and mercy. So I find something to hold onto in that. I hold onto his goodness, his love, his mercy. Every day I wake up mourning James and in my mourning and in the twisting, confusing chaos of my mind, there is stillness and there is beauty and that is where God resides. He is making my chaos into something stronger, more beautiful than I could ever imagine. So I look back on my life and all the times He has led me to happiness and I trust. I trust that He is guiding me now, even THROUGH this chaos of my mind. I trust because I have felt his immense love and that love moves me forward everyday.
Beautifully put, If it is alright I think my friend, Tami would very much love to read this. She is going through very similar feelings and thoughts as she tries to understand why she lost her little Thomas.
You look super cute in that messy pumpkin field. Perfect photos for this blog post. Sending you love.
I've enjoyed reading several of your posts. I lost my baby boy at 38 weeks as well on Oct 16th and it has been a sad, confusing time for me too. The doctrines of the gospel do bring peace, but it is still an incredible loss.
I got connected to your blog through a friend of your sister. So sorry that you have to go through this as well. Feel free to email me at maxwell.virginia@gmail.com anytime 🙂