Marching

There is the tendency to wallow, to stop and halt within grief. It feels impossible to move forward, unfair even. Life is catapulted towards an entirely different path than the one envisioned.

What was the point of moving forward? Something terrible occurred and I was powerless to stop or change it. In protest I imagined that doing nothing would show God how mad I was.

You want to ruin my life? Fine. I will waste what is left of it then.

I felt like a small child, logic and reason ceasing to make sense.

The more I held on to my tantrum however, the more out-of-control I felt. There were moments when my senses seemed beyond feeling, I was outside of my body in some dark corner. Light could touch me but I could not feel it. This need to blame God for all of my sorrow was turning into pain that multiplied.

I could not sit in the darkness and be bitter any longer. I focused upon that light and felt it once again. Felt the warmth and comfort it provided. I am speaking both of the Savior as the light of this world and of physical light. I remember sitting in my apartment at the time on the couch and just concentrating on the light hitting me. Nothing else seemed important in that moment other than letting my body feel warm.

 

It felt like a painstakingly slow process but eventually I figured out what keeps me away from that dark space. Prayer, studying the scriptures for perspective, time with family and friends, writing, and service were all key players. It was a choice to do something rather than nothing.

The light and warmth of the sun and of the Son have given me hope and purpose. The sun reminded me that something as simple as feeling the sun shine on your face has the power to brighten the spirit and my Savior has healed the rest.

He has helped me to live onward, trying my best to do good, to scatter sunshine! So on Saturday for the second year, I marched. I marched forward in memory of James. I marched forward thinking of this tiny life that has had immense impact not only in my life but in the lives of those around me. It has been a good thing. It is like sunshine warming my face.

Thank you to those who marched with me on Saturday for the March of Dimes. Your donations, physical presence, and texts of support brought me gratitude and joy. Thank you.