It Feels Like Living

 But there is only so much one person can do.

I feel empowered when I exercise, pushing my body beyond what I thought it capable off. The trainer for the class I have been attending three times a week really loves burpees. Every class he adds them in, pushing us and our bodies. He challenges, “Try adding in a push-up,” and I inwardly roll my eyes.

But I keep going. Jump down, feet back, feet in, jump up. Sometimes I can’t even muster a jump so I weakly stand swinging my arms in the air like the first descent on a roller-coaster. My inner voice repeats the thought, Keep going, keep moving, one more, one more, one more.

Sometimes I add-in the push-up. Sometimes I don’t.

As I continue to move forward, pushing my body and my brain, a surge of energy rushes in. I can’t find its source but it is there filling me with power and confidence in my abilities.

I wonder where it came from, how it helped me to jump and reach higher. My heart thumps with electricity.

It feels like living.

I return home and see my laptop sitting on the table. I see a basket of laundry to be folded. I see my scriptures waiting to be studied and my child staring up at me with hope in his eyes of a story read, a song sung, a game to be played. I open the fridge and see disorder, grocery lists, meal plans. I get dressed trying to be grateful for the clothes on my back while suppressing desires for more stripes, more florals, more shoes, more more more.

There is too much I want to do, I need to do, I have to do.

So I prioritize. God and family first. Always. Because at the end of the day, when I offer up prayers, I feel the most peace when I have these things in order. When I give my heart to that which is eternal, that which lasts.

But here comes the tricky part, do I fold laundry or write? Do I meal plan or life plan?

There are so many things I want to do and create and write about, but the reality is that there are beautiful children to be loved RIGHT NOW. When I am fully present with them it feels otherworldly, divine.

So I grasp on to that.

I keep doing what feels hard and trivial and I see myself expand. I keep reading stories and dancing and teaching. I plan meals that nourish and activities that bring us together. I keep folding laundry and hugging and kissing increasing expressions of love. Through it all I feel my soul filled with an electric peace. Neurons in my brain make tiny explosions of joy as I discover that my family is my greatest goal.

And I feel myself living.