Delight

Last Tuesday I walked into our bedroom with a big grin on my face and exclaimed, “I am really excited about tomorrow.”

Kyle looked up from the book he was reading and gave a cautious look, “You are…”

He has tiptoed around the way I grieve, knowing that at times I can become a grenade, exploding with frustration and sorrow (a terrifying mix). He grieves in a completely different way and we have learned to respect each other’s processes. Unfortunately for him, my is entirely unpredictable, especially on the anniversary of James’ birth/death.

“I am.” I had just finished responding in gratitude to the many people who showed support in being a part of The James Effect. People were sharing with friends and just knowing that people would be looking for a way to make the world a little brighter on his behalf instantly lit my mood.

I woke up equally excited and the day just flourished from there. It helped getting little messages throughout the day of thoughtful ways people were reaching out to others. Some were apologetic that they couldn’t do more, to which I feel compelled to say, everything counts and everything brought a bright spark of joy. In total, the day was wonderful, a stark contrast from years before. This is definitely a tradition that will stay.

When James died I gained peace in knowing that I could let this be something that transformed me, rather than just something that happened to me. Sometimes I put too much pressure on myself because of this and end up depressed because of missteps. In those moments I strive to lend myself grace, but sometimes that wrestle is necessary because it propels me forward once again, on a more sure path.

I have been working especially on being a better mother. Sometimes it feels as if motherhood swallows you whole and you look in a mirror and wonder where you are in there. I have felt disconnected and disjointed. But I have learned when I slow things down and focus on what matters most, motherhood becomes a delight.

Sometimes I lose sight of the most important investment in my life. The weight of it is exhausting but I know that it is worth it. As I see these boys grow and laugh and when I make time to notice it, the weight suspends and in its place is bliss.