The compounded stress of my life has been making everything really difficult lately.
Through setbacks and changes, I often find myself struggling to keep up and sucked into a long and extensive pity party.
Navigating family dynamics, parenting a teenage girl, loneliness, the never-ending house remodel, holidays, small children whining/fighting/yelling, never being able to find anything in our rental, volunteer responsibilities, all of it together feels like more than I can bear.
Why is that hard to say?
There is fear in being vulnerable and vocalizing when you are having a hard time. If you keep it to yourself, no one really knows. They may glimpse held back tears or a bad mood but life goes on. On the flip side vocalizing it can come with major downfalls. You save yourself from unsolicited advice. You protect yourself from insincere comments and help and you don’t have to worry about people thinking that you are needy. You also get to keep up a pretty good facade that you have it all together and are “strong.”
The difficult thing for me is that I have been through hard times. Every bad thing that happens gets compared to losing James and nothing can really top it. I keep telling myself, no one is dead. But the question I really should be asking myself is, why am I trying to rank my trials? They are all hard and difficult to navigate.
Some trials come with a built in support brigade. People show up; in surprising and healing ways. They bring meals and offer help. But that support slowly fades as time between you and your trial grows. I think that is actually one of the hardest parts about going through a loss, when the support fades. It feels a little like a stab in the back. You want to shout, “WELL! I guess you don’t care about my pain anymore! Or maybe you forgot my child died!!!!” (Was that too specific?)
The point is, people can make a difference in our healing process and I have had to grapple with feeling less supported than I had hoped for this year. Now, I am not saying that I was totally forsaken (see this is the tricky thing about posting your thoughts for anyone to read…you want to be honest but don’t want anyone you know to feel bad). Gratefully, I have many who would let me vent and unload and give me kudos for what we were going through but I could recognize internally I was yearning for deeper connection. To truly feel seen and understood. When I am seeking advice, what I am really asking is, “Am I going to make it through this?”
I keep hoping for a quick-fix, a miracle that all of the contracted workers on our house will move at lighting speed. I keep hoping for a break-through in my kids behavior, that magically they will listen and stop picking fights with me and each other. But there is no quick fix, just a long lesson in patience.
And I am working on my patience. I am letting go and letting God take over the things that mentally I cannot spend any more time on. I am working on deep breaths and longer nights of sleep and self-care.
I am working on my patience and am seeing strength.
Patience is often seen as a passive act. But in reality, it takes a great deal of effort to accept things as they are without getting upset. It takes strength. When there is little to no control, I see myself turning to God in prayer for peace. I see myself looking for opportunities to learn and change. It is not perfection. I do and say the wrong things and am not always accepting of things. I get upset. It is recognizing the difficulties and my weakness and still feeling worthy of love and joy. When I choose to vent to the right source, the one that understands perfectly and ALWAYS provides deep connect when I come to Him with sincerity, it is like a balm to my soul. The endless cycle of negative thought gets rerouted as truth is spoken to my heart.
And then I see the wonderful people around me. I am given clarity to see how others are helping me in the ways they can with their own trials and hardships going on. I see their strength and beauty and life feels pretty darn swell.
I recently updated my phone wallpaper. I found one that has quickly become a little mantra when I start to feel overwhelmed. Sometimes, it even feels like a divine whisper. In a simple hand drawn sun it states, “Life is tough, but so are you.”
I may be starting to believe it.
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