gina prescott

1.Messages of love. We have received Facebook messages, texts, notes, and cards that express beautiful words of sympathy and love. I love when they remind us that someone is thinking about us, about James. It reminds me that someone hasn’t forgotten. For the first week they were numerous and lovely and I know they will taper off because they already have but it never ceases to ease my heart when I get that surprise message.

2.Flowers and care packages. We have received beautiful flowers, art, books, and care packages. One of the care packages was so perfectly timed I knew there had been some divine guidance in its arrival. We had just come back from the funeral home, making arrangements and my heart was heavy. Coming home to a care package full of things that just brightened the horizon for a moment. It had some beautiful necklaces, nail polish, lotion, etc. I am not beneath saying that a necklace can brighten my spirits. It can. It might help someone else too 🙂

3. Food. Our church support system is amazing and quickly after the news broke we had meals lined up for us. When you are grieving it can be hard to fix a meal, even to remember to eat so having food at the ready (especially when you have to feed a toddler) is a wonderful blessing. Beyond delicious dinners, friends have brought over snack food and fed me lunch. I especially love when the food is healthy. Emotionally and mentally we are hurting and our spirits and minds are trying to heal, it is important to remember that comfort food is good but don’t forget nutritious food. We have been lucky to receive delicious salads and fruits that keep our physical bodies feeling great so that we don’t have to worry about that along with everything else.

4. Say James’ name. This might not be for everyone but for me at least, I like when people say James’ name. It can be hard for me to hear at times but it reminds me that he was a real person and that the rest of the world views him that way. Ultimately, I love it. Having a stillborn can be hard but add onto it the fact that very few people saw your baby and it just feels like a bad dream. When people ask questions about him and say his name themselves my heart swells with mama pride. It feels good.

5. Financial assistance. Being grad students our ability to cover funeral costs was a scary thought that luckily didn’t cross our minds for long. We have wonderful people around us who were immediately willing to pitch in and it has eased our minds greatly. We, personally, have no more need for financial assistance but if you have a friend going through a trial similar to this and you are able to help financially, try to.It doesn’t have to be a lot, the smallest amount helps with things like flowers and something nice for them to wear to the funeral if they are having one.

6. Hugs. Now I am not a natural hugger. It was just not something we did in my family growing up but I have grown fairly used to them. For me personally, I like meaningful hugs that are not drawn out. Some people might like the tight, long hugs but they can be very hard for me. Usually they just bring everything to the surface and while I need that sometimes, I usually know when I want it all to come out. So, give a hug but don’t drag it out so long that it feels like you are planting all of your sadness for them on top of them. Hug them with all the love you have for them, hearts connected. True love is not stifling and clingy, it is pure and delicate and intuitive. Gauge what they need and give accordingly.

7.Playdates and get togethers. I like getting out of the house and my son needs it especially. Unfortunately all of our usually places we go I am not ready to return to because of all the questions about my non-pregnant state that I will receive. We have been so blessed to have friends who text and call to see if we want to get out of the house. My answer is always yes, unless it is during Max’s nap, Kyle is home, or I am having a hard day. Having people reach out to me and scheduling playdates is ideal, it can be hard to ask for help when you are grieving even when you know people are willing to give it. Along with playdates, having people who want to visit us or have dinner with us is also great. The focus is largely on me currently but when people reach out to our entire family my heart is eased tenfold. Sometimes it is for games, a BBQ, dinner, just to chat but we are usually very willing for a welcome distraction.

8. Don’t forget the husband. The focus is largely on me and I keep telling people, as long as Kyle is ok then I am ok. But if he is not doing well, you can bet I won’t be doing well either. When people remember him in their thoughts and how hard this is for him as well, it means a great deal to us both. It can be hard for guys to express grief and having people reaching out to Kyle has been huge for him. It might be to go fishing or to go play basketball or go on a hike, but just don’t forget the husband.

9. Pray. Remember us in your prayers and pray to be guided in how you can help. I have a HUGE testimony of prayer now. It never ceases to quell my anguish and bring so much peace and I know that as people have prayed on our behalf we have received peace and comfort in our hearts when it gets really hard.

10. Be careful. Be careful with your words, your actions, your intentions. Make sure they are pure and filled with love. I have read so much about people who are hurt during their trial by well meaning words and acts but for some reason or another were received the wrong way and it seemingly intensifies their hurt. I feel lucky that this has not been the case with us. People have said the right things at the right moments and have laughed and cried with us. They are tender and gentle when we talk of James’ and laugh and share their joys with us.

11. Live your life with compassion, intention, and joy. The thing that bugs me most are negligent parents, whiny teens/adults, and people who I know are waiting to take that opportunity that is scary and requires a whole lotta faith. One of the greatest ways to honor James’ memory is to live a good life. Don’t fill it with useless, meaningless trinkets and ideas. Put your family first and love them, hug them, kiss your babies and hold them when they cry. Don’t delay the love in your life.

The shock is wearing off and the stoicism is fading. The reality sets in that the bassinet is empty, the diapers go unused, the blankets unswaddled, my arms are empty and my heart is floods over with the sadness of it.

But I look out my window and the sun decides to rise anyway and my toddler still needs breakfast and stories read and it just seems unfair that life has to move on.

Each morning, light floods my window and Kyle greets me with a morning kiss. He is a routine man and sticking with the routine is working for him right now but our routine has changed a bit. After he kisses me, he opens his scriptures and reads the same passage:

When we had our 20 week ultrasound, the technician was amazed at our baby’s heart. She expressed multiple times, “This heart is perfect, it is the most beautiful heart I have seen.” I remember thinking that her words were prophetic, that our precious baby really did have a beautiful heart physically and in every sense that you can’t measure.

I waited and prepared for months and I was so close to the end when we received the worst news you can imagine when pregnant, let alone two days away from 39 weeks. I realized at the end of Thursday evening I couldn’t remember the last time the baby kicked. I scoured my mind and started pushing and prodding the body within me, nothing. I expressed concern to Kyle and when he suggested we call the hospital I started crying. I knew this couldn’t be good and I certainly didn’t want it to be real. We were told to come and after trying to call friends to watch Max, decided to just bring him with us. The ride down felt oddly peaceful and I thought maybe that was a good sign.

It was a sign of what was to come. Overwhelming peace and calm a midst a worst possible scenario.

There was no heartbeat and no sign as to why our baby’s heart stopped. Kyle and I locked eyes before the words were spoken and we knew, we knew that this precious beautiful heart we waited to meet was gone. Our eyes welled with tears and we hugged each other and we hugged Max. It was late at night and Max had every right to be wiggly and misbehave, but he was perfect. We needed him there with us, to hug us and to comfort us and to remind us why we became parents in the first place.

You don’t become a parent for the end prize of a beautiful child in your arms, you become a parent because that child that enters your life forever changes you. That child fills your life with joy, whether you have the opportunity to hug them everyday or think of them watching over you from heaven. You become a parent because family is foundation for happiness in this life and you take the good with the hard. You accept that sorrow will be a part of the journey, though certainly you hope it will be few and far between.

We had the choice to get started with labor right away or to wait and try to process everything a little bit. Since it was late at night and I felt like I needed a good night’s sleep we decided to wait. Our induction was scheduled for 8am on Saturday and so we had all of Friday to wait for my mom to come and to go down to the river and stick our feet in the water and skip rocks and talk about how much this sucked. Because it really, really sucked.

Saturday was a special day, a sacred day that will be imprinted in my mind forever. It was a day where Kyle and I took care of each other, I rubbed his back and he massaged mine. We listened to beautiful, peaceful music as they started me on misoprostol to start contractions. Besides the misoprostol, I was able to labor completely naturally which proved to me my strength. I knew I could do it and I did it. I had every reason to receive pain medication, to not feel what was happening to my body but through a priesthood blessing offered by a loving bishop I felt inspired to continue with my plan and all the preparation my husband and I had put forth for a natural childbirth. We labored together and when I pushed out our beautiful baby boy James, I screamed. Not a sad scream, but a power scream. I was able to channel all the anger and hurt that I was feeling and I was able to accept it and really and truly feel it. I was able to feel it and let it out and when James was placed on my chest I cried and felt that rush of hormones and that rush of love and I held and clung to the beautiful child who was perfect in every way. I cried, I cried a lot. I kissed and hugged his precious body and felt the weight of him. He was real, this was real. I had just delivered a stillborn child.

I held him for a long time and eventually I stopped crying and was just in awe with how perfect he was. Why did his heart stop beating? We are not positive and are waiting autopsy result to rule anything else out but there was a pretty large blood clot in his umbilical cord, a complete abnormality, a total fluke accident. Nothing to prevent it, nothing to say it will ever happen again. I wished it hadn’t happened though. I wished I was antsy and demanded an induction a few days earlier, if I had he would be alive in my arms. But that is not what happened, and that isn’t what was supposed to happen.

A memory that will forever stand in my mind was when I handed James to Kyle. Kyle’s tears will be imprinted in my mind for all eternity. He is such a wonderful father and he is so full of love for his children. He is so good and he felt the pain of this labor just as much as I did. His touch during it all was my constant. His voice whispering how strong and how amazing I was got me through it all. I love him so much and I appreciate having him in my life now more than ever. He is my rock, my love. His is everything to me.

The hospital was so wonderful, my midwife and my nurse were perfect and gave us full reign over the situation to make it as perfect and special an experience as possible. They laughed with us, cried with us, and shared so much love.

James was 8lbs 2oz and 21 1/2 inches. He had golden brown hair (not much, but more than Max had). I held his body and felt so much peace and love for him, it was his body that I held but his spirit was in the room with us. He was there and I felt it so strongly. I wasn’t sad for long, because I still had this child. This child who some day I will get to hug and embrace again. I will get to hear his voice and see his smile. I will get to see a glimmer in his eyes as we reunite.

His beautiful heart has impacted this world already. I have felt the power of his life in this world as my family has come together, as my friends from church have joined in solidarity to support us, as I turn to my husband and to my beautiful child and embrace them in sheer love and appreciation for all that I have. His beautiful heart is teaching me already to be a better mother, to be a better daughter, a better wife, a better friend, a better person. He is making me better already and I love him so dearly for that.

The grief comes in waves and at times the sadness and shock of our situation feels overwhelming. It has caused me to turn to my Heavenly Father in prayer and to rely upon the arm of my Savior and his atoning sacrifice for relief. I turn to the words of prophets and the scriptures for understanding and messages of peace. I read the words of friends and family and am overwhelmed by how many people are thinking of us and praying for us. We feel your prayers and your good thoughts and they have helped immensely.

For now we are taking it moment by moment and hugging Max a lot. He is our joy during all of this and we are so grateful for him.

We don’t understand this experience fully but the gospel has brought so much peace and clarity already. I know that Heavenly Father loves me and my family and that this is part of his plan for us. I expect that I will be writing a lot on this blog for therapeutic reasons and to just have my voice be heard. To know that my child did exist, I really did carry him and I felt his kicks and rolls. I love him immensely and think joyfully of the day where I will get to see him again for I know that day will come.

Currently all I want to do all day long is eat green grapes and lay on the couch reading a good book or watching an entertaining movie/show. But when you have a toddler, you don’t have the real luxury to lay about. You can try your darndest but that toddler will make it incredibly difficult.

When I was pregnant with Max, I remember my last month well. I truly had no real responsibilities. We were living at my mom’s and Kyle worked long hours most days. I would occasionally run carpool or to the store but I mostly watched a lot of HGTV, got incredibly good at minesweeper, and plowed through a few books. It was self-indulgent and looking back on it all, pretty selfish.

I was reading in the Old Testament this morning, Genesis 13, where Lot and Abraham are having issues living so close together. So Abraham being the peacemaker he is, says in general, “Lot, we are going to have to split up here and I am going to let you take first pick on the land.” So Lot looks around and sees the plains of Jordan and they look perfect. They are well watered and seem even like the Garden of Eden. I can imagine him thinking, Alright…I am set here. I will be comfortable and life will be pretty good. But the problem is that he was only thinking of himself. Abraham gave him first choice because Abraham was kind, and Lot totally took advantage of the situation and thought only of himself. It doesn’t say he took half of the plains of Jordan, he took it ALL. Then he pitched his tent toward Sodom, which was an exciting, wicked city. and well things don’t end well for Lot. But Abraham because of kindness, his goodness is blessed immensely.

Sometimes, I feel a little like Lot. Ok, sometimes I feel a lot like Lot. Is it so bad to want to be comfortable, to want the best and to be set and not have to worry about drought (figurative drought) in your life. But the problem is that when we seek after the comfort of ourselves or only our family, somebody else or somebody else’s family gets the short end of the stick. Not only that, but we also lose the opportunity to build our faith. If we seek to always be perpetually comfortable, we never have the opportunity to get out of our comfort zone and actually grow.

To tie this all together, I have been feeling pretty selfish lately. In trying to make it through this last month, plan our upcoming birth, plan our adventure year of internships, I just want everything sorted out and comfortable. I don’t want it to be hard, I want everything to magically fall together without me even thinking about it. But I know that if that were to be the case, I would never gain the opportunity to stretch myself. To realize my potential, the power that I possess as a wife, a mother, a woman. So as much as I would love an entire month of  unlimited HGTV and minesweeper, I know that if I continue devoting myself to being a  mother, a friend, and loving wife I can continue in becoming the person that I want to be.

Because to me, I would rather turn into the person that God imagines me to be than live the life that the world tries to convince will make me happy. 

I took advantage of some beautiful light one morning as Max joined me in waking up. I am imprinting these moments in my mind, when it was just me and him and we had the entire day, just us, together. He continually cracks us up with his new found passion of yokes (jokes). Basically it involves calling something by it’s wrong name, like saying lotion is soap. He thinks it is hilarious. We also found that he has crazy endurance for running. Kyle will go “running” with him around the block and Max just keeps going and going.  He likes to say, “ready, set, GO!” but it is more like, “ready, GO!” and he points his little finger to the direction one is supposed to run. Then he pumps his arms and jets off. I actually have a hard time keeping up with him, being pregnant and all, but it is sure fun to watch him run.

I can’t believe that in three weeks this boy will be two whole years old. It amazes me to think back on when he was so little and helpless in my arms and we had to do everything for him. Now he can do so much more! I am excited to see him continue to grow.

Four years later and our family looks like this…..

I am so happy and grateful for where my life has taken me. I know not many would want to get married so young and have kids pretty close off the bat but that is the choice that I thoughtfully and happily made. Being married to Kyle was the best decision ever. He is my best friend and words cannot describe how utterly happy he makes me. This guy is the cheesiest, smartest, most faithful, loving man I know. So glad I have him by my side to share in many more memories where we can grow together. I love you suckafish!

Normally (i.e. when I am not pregnant) I have a pretty difficult time making decisions. In college I remember my friend making fun of me for constantly calling my mom to ask her opinion about rather trivial purchases. But I was treading new waters and although my mom couldn’t visually see the colors on the boxes of hair dye, it comforted me to talk it over with her and get another opinion.

When I am pregnant however, I feel like it is even worse though. Just ask my husband. Every night I lay down and go over the pros and cons of particular items. I am sure I am driving him nuts, and really I drive myself nuts with it sometimes. But I can’t stop. I care about quality, durability and style and I want to make sure something is going to last and work well for me.

Long story short I am revising my wishlist and sharing it with whoever reads this just because these are two products that one friend (thank you Elisabeth!) shared with me and I keep going over and over and I just can’t let go of.

First: Lotus Travel Crib