gina prescott

I grow attached to certain places. Places where important things happened, where I grew the most, places that strengthened my heart. Hood Canal is one of those places.

Having a miscarriage before having Max did a number on me. But then my Aunt invited Kyle and I to a weekend at Hood Canal. She fed me good food, took me intertubing, we soaked up the sunshine and ate s’mores while watching the sunset. It was a turning point for me. I hadn’t truly smiled in a long time and how can you not smile while speedily being pulled by a boat. You can’t.

 We didn’t go last summer because I was pregnant but you bet we took up the opportunity to go this summer with Max. It was wonderful throwing rocks into the water with Max and watching him play in the sun.

These special places we hold in our heart, they don’t always stay the same but there is always that rush of emotion when you approach. When your heart starts beating and precious moments flash within your mind. That growth, that healing kinda takes place all over again. Maybe that’s what makes them so special.

I love that memory. Of him wrapped up in my arms, so small with that quick heartbeat.

He is no longer that itty bitty baby wrapped up. He moves with lightening speed now but he still likes a good cuddle.

This year has been measured not so much in minutes, but in giggles, the pitter-patter of feet, drool (lots and lots of drool), four teeth, digested woodchips, purees, chubby legs, sleepy or shy snuggles, blue eyes and the sweetest of memories.

It’s been a good year.

I was studying this verse in the Book of Mormon, which prophesies of the rejection of the Book of Mormon in our day and my mind started diving into the reasoning of why it would be rejected. Why would they believe there cannot be any more?

In my experience, the Book of Mormon has added clarity, insight, understanding, and testimony to my knowledge of the Bible. It has enriched my life greatly, bringing greater joy.

But with additional understanding and knowledge comes greater responsibility. Spritually speaking we feel a greater commitment to be true and faithful in all that we do as we come to greater understanding of our Heavenly Father’s will for us here on earth. More responsibility is often not seen as a positive thing. Media portrays the ideal life as one of an almost nomad, free from most everyday cares, able to fly to Europe on a whim, buy that house and deal with the consequences later. Responsibility is often forgotten or set aside for the greater good of “experience.” But who said you can’t experience while being responsible?

Alongside responisibility being portrayed as a ball and chain,  it makes our life feel harder, increasingly difficult as more is added on. We feel accountable to God when we not just learn, but understand a new commandment. The stakes are high.

So why not just live with the minimum, then we don’t disappoint God or ourselves. No guilt.  The risk to know more, to add on responsibility can feel increadibly high in the scheme of eternal salvation. So we say, we’ve got responsibility/knowledge/enough.

On the flip side, what is the benefit of more responsibility? Is there any?

Of course there is, but it comes after trial and getting a grip on coping with that new responsibility. The benefit is greater joy, increased knowledge, better understanding of a myriad of things.

The Book of Mormon is one example of this, within its pages is knowledge that some would definitely define as more commandments to be responsible towards.  But that knowledge also enlarges the mind, body and spirit. For me personally, it has brought peace, comfort, and an increased understanding of God’s love not only for me but for all of His children.

Lately I have been grappling with the question of when to started expanding our family. Max will be turning one in 5 days and Kyle and I have discussed the possibility of adding on. Kyle is ready. I have had reservations. Not only am I the one who has to carry the child within me for nine months, I also have to deliver the child and then care for two children under the age of  two and a half. It did not sound all that exciting for me. In fact it sounded scary. Learning to be a mother of one child is difficult enough, but two? I just didn’t know if I was ready yet.

Then I read that scripture about those who said that the Bible was enough and I started thinking about the reasoning and came to the conclusion that yes, the added responsibility is scary and hard. But remember the greater understanding of Heavenly Father’s will and love and plan? Having receive some of that through having one child, I can only imagine what another could teach me.

And the joy! The greater joy! I remember the joy of having Max in my arms those first few minutes and I know that another baby could increase that.

It takes a leap of faith in making all decisions, do we have enough to trust that God has more for us?

It’s been too long, but only having my phone for a hotspot makes posting difficult at times (add to that a teething, walking one year old and any break I get is spent reading/watching Bones on the couch).

Recently I decided Max needed a carseat upgrade. He was still in his infant carrier and it was clear that he would soon be too big. I was in denial for a bit, but realized we needed to get one soon.

Choosing to have a baby at my age is not usual by today’s standards. Most of my friends were happy but a little confused why I would be jumping into motherhood so early in life. Making the decision to start a family was a decision of faith, a decision endorsed through prayer by a loving Heavenly Father. I too was curious as to why I should start a family instead of pursuing continuing education but I figured He knew better.

He definitely knew better.

It has amazed me over the past year (Yes, Max is almost one. Let’s all pretend that isn’t happening.) how much I have been taught by having a child. Lessons that I feel I could not have learned otherwise.

Back to the carseat.

So I started doing my motherly duty and researching. You can get convertible (5-65lbs) carseats for as little at $50 up to $350 (sometimes even more if you are really excited about carseats). I read customer reviews, scoured the bestseller pages on multiple websites that sell carseats, and asked my mom to talk to the pediatric nurses she works with. I wanted something quality for not too much money.

The problem is that we are on a grad student family budget. It made anything above $200 dollars completely out of our budget. I cried to Kyle about wanting the best for my son, every mother wants what is best for their child, but how do you resolve what’s best with the reality of your budget.

I know that all of the carseats are safety approved but I wanted safety and comfort. I also wanted top of the line safety.

So when we got to the store I completely freaked out seeing all the carseats in person and froze my speech even though going into the store we had decided on a specific carseat. When I saw that carseat next to the luxury (read:padded) ones, my heart fell and I didn’t know how to tell my husband. So I did what I do best when I don’t know how to explain how I am feeling, I stop talking.

Eventually we decided on a higher grade carseat which I still wasn’t super happy with but remember I stopped talking.

We got home and set up the carseat and drumroll…..It didn’t fit if Kyle was driving.

We talked it over, meaning I finally started talking and getting to the heart of the matter and we decided to go back. Kyle finally understood my desire for wanting what is best for Max and we found a good carseat for $199. Right under the budget (I am ignoring tax..).

Kyle was in line, I was chasing Max around the store when I saw another carseat, we had passed it numerous times wandering around and I had just ignored it but it was standing out to me now, especially its red price tag reading $179.

I yelled out to Kyle, and he came over as did an employee.

Turns out it was a second floor model that they no longer needed. It was top of the line and marked down mainly because people had probably stroked it’s plush material and padding. It was also a 3-in-1 carseat, meaning that it is good for 5-100lbs, infant to booster.

At the end of the day, I reflected upon the week, upon the emotions and feelings I go through as a mother. It is hard. There is so much that I want for my son and sometimes I feel so much guilt for bringing him into the world without a budget worthy of exclusive “top of the line.”

But Heavenly Father has been teaching me. He has been showing me that my son doesn’t need an iPad, he needs my time. He has shown me that my son doesn’t need a membership to the children’s museum, he has the world around him. We have good food to eat and a library full of books for us to read.

Amongst it all, Heavenly Father has taught me how aware he is of my desires for my son, for my family, for myself. He wants to bless me with my righteous desires and He does. But would I learn if He always made it so easy, giving me an expendable income? No, he teaches me through trial and struggle, stretching me, causing me to dig deeper, to think in more complex ways and sometimes in simpler ways. But in the end I am blessed and I know that it is His hand which constantly provides.

How grateful I am, for the chance to learn and grow in this way, to see my child grow everyday and to teach/show/tell Him how Heavenly Father blesses our lives.

As a teen a read far too many young adult novels with basically the same plot. Teen girl fraught with inner turmoil shows up in a new environment and must face life all while falling for the guy she least expected and in the end finds herself.

I loved them and plowed through them on lazy summer days.

When I was sixteen my life was not full of a whole lot of turmoil but being a teen I definitely had my fair share of inner turmoil that I pretty much talked to no one about. It wasn’t life or death stuff but more along the lines of self-doubt and confusion.

Then I was thrown into a new environment, Camp Dudley. It was just what I needed and in the end I ended up falling for the guy I least expected and found myself as much as I could for that time in my life.

Falling in love at sixteen was something I dreamed and fantasized about but didn’t actually think would happen to me. But it did. I was blessed to cross paths with the boy who would become my future husband.

Yes, I married my high school sweetheart and guess what?

I love my choice.

I love that he still makes me feel sixteen and gives me butterflies like he is kissing me for the first time all over again.

I love that when I am 32 I will have already spent half of my life with him in it, already I have more memories with him, than without him.

I love that our relationship has an element of youthfulness to it.

I lucked out finding my husband when I was sixteen, I wasn’t looking, it wasn’t a plan but when a  healthy relationship presented itself and made me challenge myself to become better in the best possible ways and made me feel comfortable with who I already was, man I held on to that opportunity.

I am so grateful I did.

Yesterday I celebrated three years of marriage to my husband, Kyle.

Three years of fun, challenge, trials, trying to communicate while brushing our teeth, faith, some bad impulse buys, laughter, water being poured on my head, snuggles, being asked “what color?” to anything and everything, and love, lots and lots of love.

Last week was difficult for reasons beyond my control. It left me feeling anxious, fearful, and worrisome. My body reacted by welcoming a cold that left my throat burning.

There are times in life that are uncomfortable, we are brought to places that stretch us. They stretch our minds, our hearts, our emotions, until we feel ready to snap. Sometimes we do. I feel as if we are always so quick to avoid these times of trial and darkness. It’s not to say I enjoy them or welcome them, but I understand their place in my existence.

If I am not brought down to low points, how will I ever know when I am up?

The contrast helps me to see the blessings that bring me joy.

The other night I tried to go to bed but my body was on alert for some reason running through anxious thoughts and plans (going through lists and more lists of things to do). I started getting frustrated why my tired body was resisting the comfort of sleep. After about 45 minutes of tossing and turning, I heard a cry from Max who happens to be cutting a tooth…

…and I knew.

I knew I was kept up for him. Who woke up in pain and fear, definite low points for a baby.

All he wanted was to be in my arms. He wanted to hear my heart beating close by, to know that he was safe and that a little breast milk would sooth his sore gums.

When I am in my trials sometimes I feel like I have to fight through it and show my warrior status. Take that anxiety! Karate chop to fear! But really all I need is to seek out the arms of the one who knows exactly what I am going through.

Not only are we given low points to reference the high points but trials occur to bring us to Him, to His arms. The arms of the Savior will push out the fear and anxiety and make the pain melt away through His warm, healing embrace.

As a mother there are number of things that you hear before and during the life of your child. Things previous mothers who have walked your paths have learned. They give warning, advice, and exchange funny tidbits of knowledge and sometimes you roll your eyes because you have heard it ten times before or you nod and smile because you know that they are right and that it’s true and you are at the same time both nervous and excited for the future ahead.

Max is ten months old now. Double digits and time has flown so fast this past year. He has grown so quickly and now he squawks and screeches to communicate. His body no longer fits so snuggly between my arms but instead extends beyond the limits of our faded orange rocking chair.

At ten months Max is perfectly balanced. He alternates between daring explorer testing the texture of anything with his tongue. He rockets into the bathroom if it’s being occupied or you happened to leave the door open on accident. He is curious about the workings of the bathtub and the toilet paper and the toilet. He loves to play independently, scurring about our apartment from the kitchen where is he has attempted to pull down our basil plant to the living room where he finds the throw blanket to play peekaboo with himself to the hallway where he bangs on the washing machine as his very own drum.

On the flip side he still wants me. He loves to be held at my level, to see what I see and do what I do. He usually wants whatever happens to be in my hands. At night when he is tired he will snuggle into my chest and oh the joy that a snuggle can induce. It is what I imagine heaven feels like.

Now he waves and blows kisses without his hand (who decided it was necessary anyway?) and he occasionally takes a couple of steps, still unsure of whether walking will actually be a faster mode of transportation.

Sometimes I have the fear of losing Max in this life. I have known families who have lost children prematurely and my heart hurts. It’s a logical fear with the state of the world today and I love my child fiercly. When I tell my husband that I am drained emotionally at the end of the day it is because of the intense amount of love that I have for this tiny person. It is consuming and so utterly complex. The guilt we have as mothers? It’s out of love. The frustration? Love. The small, seemingly miniscule accomplishments like them trying their first piece of watermelon? All of it is out of love for something you created.

So this love is contrasted by fear of loss and sometimes I let fear gain the upperhand because that is exactly what Satan wants. He wants me to believe that this life is all there is. But it’s not true. I have to live in a way that proves to him that all of those false little lies that you will never see a loved one again and that they are gone forever is just not true.

But he will only be this small once. It will only last so long that he will fit on my lap and still give me opened mouth kisses. So time is flying fast and he is getting bigger before I even know it, but he will always be mine throughout time and all eternity.